Yes!

For 20 years, I've been stuck in a close (Platonic) relationship with someone who is not right for me. He is living with me because he is on a fixed income and unable to afford an apartment of his own. At first, I thought he was very spiritual because he has some unusual shamanic talents, but as I got to know him, I realized that his character has a long way to go. He often expresses hatred and anger over various irritations. When he voted Red in the last election, I wanted to kick him out but relented because I felt sorry for him, unable to afford his own place.

This has gone on for 20 years. On various occasions, I've told him that this isn't working and he needs to find his own place, and he counters with a pity party about how he can't afford to live on his own. So I continued day after day for years, consoling myself with the idea that I would probably outlive him and then I would be able to live my life authentically. I've thought of this as an opportunity to practice patience and compassion. I swallowed my anger and became depressed and dependent on medication.

My mother was the same way with my father. She is very kind and sweet; she was no match for his rages when he'd beat his family and destroy things. But divorce was against her religion, so she stuck it out for 60 years till he died. By then, she was elderly, frail, and suffering from dementia. I had just come back from visiting her and realized that her fate would be mine if I didn't act, but I was still paralyzed by pity.

Yesterday morning, I struggled to get out of bed. All I could think of was various ways to commit suicide. I prayed for help, felt a surge of anger, and knew what to do.

While he was out on his morning walk, I put his room in disarray and left a note stating that he needed to find his own place. I said, "I want you to feel the same discomfort and violation I've felt all these years. So I will continue to make mischief of your belongings whenever you are asleep or away, and I will no longer bite my tongue when unkind thoughts come to mind. Maybe this would make you understand that you must get your own place."

Then I left for work. While waiting for the bus, I went to Craig's List, found contacts for people renting out spare rooms in their homes, and sent this to him.

When I came home that evening, he said he'd called some contacts I'd given him and had a prospect for a rental room.

This morning, I had to say something to him because he had not applied fragrance oil to a pumice slab that I kept in the restroom to counteract odors from bowel movements. In the past, I would have let that go. But now I know I need to keep him slightly on edge so that he does not get too comfortable and abandon his efforts to find his own place and stand on his own two feet.

I don't like the feeling of being angry, but now I know that anger has a purpose. Compassion for others is just a sham unless one also has compassion for oneself.