Ok if I piggyback my story on yours? I hope so, cos here goes!

I was an EWB (Entitled White B...h*) in the post office yesterday! And an EWB all the way home!

I am autistic. I can be a rebel when I see a purpose in doing so, and prefer to follow rules if I see and agree to their purpose. It helps me feel safe.

I was in the post office yesterday and there was a sign posted on high-visibility pink paper. It said, "Due to COVID precautions, No more than 5 customers in lobby at a time."

I could see the purpose of that restriction. The post office workers have to be exposed to the public all day long, the new strain of COVID is highly contagious and eludes vaccines, and you never know who may have a compromised immune system. I'm a math nerd, I know that limits like those posted are based on calculations re area, probability that any given person is a carrier, and how much air is moved per unit time by ventilation systems.

There were 7 customers in the lobby so I refrained from entering. A few people waited behind me, one asked if I was waiting in line and why I wasn't going in. I pointed to the sign and said nothing.

Finally it was my turn to enter. As I approached the service desk, I saw a Black woman alongside me. She was big, brightly dressed, and beautiful. A walking Sun. The man behind the desk said "next person in line" and she seemed to go ahead.

I got confused. I thought I was next but maybe she was. She may have been alongside me prior, I don't know. I get tunnel vision sometimes. So I asked if she was ahead of me and she said no. I asked this sincerely, because there was a possibility that she was indeed ahead of me and I didn't see her before but then it occurred to me that she may have interpreted my question as passive aggressive. My autistic speaking voice has an odd tonality, and people tend to read into it however they want.

Then I saw behind me that several more people entered. Now there were 8 customers in the lobby! I was feeling pushed, crowded, and my social anxiety was kicking into high gear. When I got to the service counter I noticed that the man behind the counter was elderly and wearing sanitary gloves and am N-95 face mask. I guessed that he may be immune compromised. I pointed to the sign and asked if it was old, no longer in effect. This was also a sincere question but again as soon as it was out of my mouth I realized that some people may take it as a passive aggressive commentary.

He replied "some people can't count." Then I saw the Black woman beside me again, thought of how what he'd said may have played into the stereotypes around the intelligence of Black people, and realized I was being a WORLD CLASS EWB!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dropped off my packages, paid, and left. As I passed her on the way out, I nodded to her and mumbled, "Sorry for being a (woman’s name that starts with K and is a slang word for Entitled White B...h)" while keeping my head and eyes down. Got out of there as quick as I could. Kept my head and eyes down as I got on the bus.

There were Black people on the bus and I didn't want to appear haughty and EWB-ish. Kept my head down, eyes down, as I walked from the bus stop to my apartment. I passed a few more Black and Brown people, my neighbors, and thought, do I greet them? Would that be an imposition? Force them to look at my hideous whiteness? Do I keep to myself? Would that be a snub? Was I like the Sesame Street character who snubbed the little Black girls in the parade, for keeping my head and eyes down? The thought crossed my mind that maybe I ought to join the white flight, go to a place where there are few or no BIPOC people so that I don't go out in public offending BIPOC folks any more with my autistic gaffes, social anxiety, and -- above all -- my disgusting white skin. (Can anyone guess that I avoid mirrors?)

This is why I don't like to go out in public, and avoid doing so as much as possible. I'm lucky that I have a job that I can work from home online. When I do go out, I do my best to blend in, avoid calling attention to myself. There are certain fabrics, colors, and clothing styles that I don't wear, and no jewelry. I avoid speaking when possible, using gestures instead. When I do speak, I speak softly, and avoid using big words. I do my best to be invisible.

Even so, I slip up, way too often. I don't mean to be an EWB but intent doesn't matter, only impact matters. And my autism and social anxiety can lead to behavior that may be interpreted as EWB. Again, it doesn't matter what I intend. Only impact matters. All the self-help lit out there says that we are not responsible for other people's feelings. But in practice, I am responsible.

Maybe I should move to Iowa. Or Idaho.