I'm not afraid of being called a racist. I know I'm racist. I'm afraid of causing my neighbors further pain. Because when others hurt, I feel it too.

I experience a lot of social anxiety as an autistic person. The rules of social interaction are very complex and don't come natrually to me, so stepping outside of my door is perilous. It's like stepping into a dangerous game where I don't know all the rules and they keep changing.

Racism makes this social anxiety worse, like it makes whatever problems are present, worse. My fear is of doing or saying something that increases Black people's pain. (Contrary to popular belief, many autistic people are extremely empathic -- it's just that we don't know socially acceptable ways to show it.) I've heard that Black people carry an invisible backpack full of stones, and I know I can add stones so easily, by a thought, a word, a look. I know that the signt of me, my scent, the sound of my voice, can be like a rape survivor smelling the assailant's colonge on a random stranger. So I stay in my house a lot, and step very carefully wnen out.