Finding Missing Pieces of Myself: Late-Identified Autism Interview (short version)
Draft
This is the 44th interview in my series Interviewing Late-Identified Autistics. Justin Olhipi is a late-identified autistic. My questions are in bold and Justin’s responses follow in regular typeface.
What name do you use and, if you want to share it, what pronouns do you use?
I go by Justin Olhipi on Medium so let’s use that. My pronouns are they/them.
How old were you when you learned you were autistic?
55
How did you learn you are autistic?
First, let me express my deepest gratitude for this very rare opportunity to be seen and heard.
I began to realize that I am autistic when I happened upon an article in Wired magazine about face blindness. One thing led to another and I got diagnosed. Then the next DSM got rid of the Asperger’s diagnosis because Hans Aspberger was a Nazi. Ok so he was — but do we stop calling those cool little energy efficient German cars Volkswagens and call them German Made Cars Level 1? After all, Nazis invented that too. But we still say Volkswagen because everyone knows what a Volkswagen is.
I still self-disclose Asperger’s because most people have an idea what Asperger’s means. When I say I’m autistic people tell me I can’t be autistic because I’m not like their neighbor’s nephew. I can talk and use the toilet on my own.
How did you decide whether to self-identify or diagnose?
Initially, I self-identified but then got a diagnosis.
How did you feel when you learned you were autistic?
It was like finding missing pieces of myself. At last, my life made sense.
How do any of your identities (ex. gender, race, religion, sexuality, etc.) impact your late identification as autistic?
I am a mystic. I was raised Catholic I was raised on stories of the saints and now realize that many of the saints were probably autistic.
Organized religions make me OCD so now I am a Red Letter Pantheist.
The entire universe is God’s body, and God is a conscious force field that pervades the universe.
I remember many of my past lives. Unfortunately, most people forget their purpose during the trauma of birth.
I’m lucky because I know that I’ve come into this life to learn, practice, and teach the virtues of Truth and Compassion.
In the metaphysical realm, Truth is any mental construct which leads to virtuous action.
I came into this life with an aptitude for math because math enables humans to make mental models of phenomena that are homeomorphic to the phenomena.
Math is the language of science. There are other ways to make mental models — art, words, etc. — but these models are metaphors at best. They don’t enjoy the same homeomorphism to phenomena as mathematical models do. Thus, math is a useful tool for making true sense of the material world.
Truth is that which repeatedly stands up to evidence. Math is used to make sense of this evidence.
My race…I look white. My family thinks we’re white. My birth certificate even says so. However, my family has been in New Orleans for hundreds of years, and a DNA test confirmed what I’ve always suspected. We have ancestors from all over the world. And I hear from them — a lot!
I came in a white body so that I could have access to certain resources that I would not have otherwise had, and so that I can practice the principle: with power comes responsibility.
Like many autistic people, I feel “off” in the gender assigned to me at birth and identify as non-binary. If I looked like the above pic I would not shun mirrors!
How did your friends and family respond when you told them you are autistic?
One of my sisters said, “Now it all makes sense.”
On the other hand, People tell me I can’t be autistic because I’m not like their coworker’s nephew or whatever. I can talk. I don’t need diapers. They tell me that I just need to try harder and quit being so self-centered. I let it slide because I can’t get a word in edgewise.
That’s why I’d rather say that I’m an Aspie.
Did you seek out therapy, coaching, or other forms of structured support for autism?
I would like to have support but it does not seem to be available in the USA for level-1 adults who are not wealthy.
How has learning you are autistic impacted your life?
I finally know who and what I am.
Your Current Life
How have you modified or adapted your life since learning you’re autistic?
I know that my needs are legitimate.
So I allow myself to be me instead of what other people think I should be.
In what ways does being autistic enhance your life?
I am a mystic, which gives my life richness and meaning.
I enjoy my special interests. Math music writing and social justice are long-term, and other transient interests such as medicinal herbs, crafts, world religions, crystals, tarot, a few others. I allow myself time and space to engage in these. I think in math, music, and pictures — words are so inefficient! As a child, I would escape by withdrawing into my inner world of pictures, math, and music.
What are some of the challenges you face in being autistic?
I feel like a visitor from another planet. Long before I knew what masking was, I called it ‘passing for human.’ I feel like I’m some related species, not really human.
My relatively low support needs allow people to dismiss my needs even when I state them clearly.
I’ve always been taught to prioritize other’s wants and needs. Now I’m learning to accept my lot. Most of my problems cannot be solved, only accepted.
In what ways have you noticed you’re different from neurotypical people (behavior, preferences, communication styles, etc.)?
Behavior:
I’m very conscious of the ramifications of my behavior, where it comes from, and what impact it has. So I refrain from lying, gossiping, littering, shaming those less fortunate, touching or taking things that don’t belong to me, etc.
Since I never learned to drive, there are all sorts of things I’d like to do but can’t because I have no way of getting there and back.
I know that my dyspraxia, slow reaction time, and hyperfocus could cause an accident. I’d rather be inconvenienced than have blood on my hands.
Preferences: I dress for comfort. I chafe at expectations regarding female dress, and ignore them. Recently I’ve begun binding my chest. Now I know what gender euphoria is!
Maybe all this creates an uncanny valley effect and that’s why people don’t see or hear me.
I love music but can’t listen to it while doing anything else, it takes up my whole attention.
I was raised a very strict Catholic, and abused in bizarre ways in the name of God. Now I avoid all organized religion because it leads to OCD-like thoughts and behaviors.
When anyone asks my religion, I say I’m a Red-Letter Pantheist.
Communication style:
I wait my turn to talk. Often my turn never comes. When I do get a turn, someone interrupts, so I become quiet. I figure what they have to say must be more important than what I have to say, otherwise, they wouldn’t be so rude.
I don’t like talking on the phone because it’s very hard work. I’d rather use text messaging or email. I appreciate it when people understand this and don’t hold it against me.
Do you experience any other mental or physical differences (including disabilities, other neuro diversities, etc.) that impact you? How have these influenced your autistic journey?
I have dyspraxia, a common comorbidity with autism. So I was often marginalized as a child, and have never learned to drive. There are a lot of things I’d like to do but can’t because I have no way of getting there and back.
I am faceblind and have PTSD and CAPD. These are also common comorbidities with autism.
Being faceblind means I treat all people equally, no matter where they stand in the social hierarchy. CAPD (Central Auditory Processing Disorder) means I listen to people with undivided attention.
If you work, what do you do for work? How does your autistic identity impact your work?
I work part-time as a math tutor for the Learning Center at my local community college.
I have a knack for getting into a student’s head and explaining the concepts in terms that they can understand. I call it ”my Aspie mind-meld.”
My coworkers and supervisors appreciate my talents and overlook my gaffes and eccentricities because I disclose that I am autistic. Before I knew I am autistic, I just got fired a lot.
Is there anyone else in your family who is neurodiverse, autistic, or otherwise?
Some of my siblings and extended family on both sides appear to be autistic. Many of the people in my extended family are very talented in the arts and sciences, even a few savants here and there. As far as I know, I am the only one who has been diagnosed.
What helps you prevent or cope with moments of overwhelm?
Generally, my spirituality helps me cope.
I mentally chant the mani prayer “Om Mani Padme Hum” constantly, like an earworm. This is from the Buddhist tradition. It translates to “Hail to the Jewel in the Lotus.” The jewel symbolizes the divine spark in all humans and living things. The lotus, a beautiful and fragrant flower that grows in the swamp with its roots in the muck, is a metaphor for the condition of the Divine as It exists on the material plane. The Dalai Lama has invited everyone, regardless of race or religion, to chant this prayer for universal enlightenment and compassion. Constantly chanting this prayer reminds me to be gentle with myself and everyone else, because
We are all jewels in the lotus, manifestations of God.
Even people who do bad things are not bad souls, they are like actors playing the part of the bad guy in theater.
I don’t hate them any more than I hate Anthony Hopkins for playing Hannibal Lector.
What skills or strategies have helped you to work with your autistic mind?
When I want to work on something that requires focus, I block out several hours during a time I’m not likely to be disturbed. I need silence because any kind of sound distracts me, especially music or speech. I live alone and keep to myself.
What accessibility/support have you sought since learning you’re autistic? What support do you wish was easier to access?
I told my supervisors and coworkers that I am autistic. This way they don’t get mad at me for being different and they don’t expect me to be like everybody else.
When the people around me know that I’m autistic, I don’t have to mask as hard, and I have more energy to do more interesting things.
Support I wish was easier to access: I wish I could discuss certain things with a therapist who is familiar with level 1 autism in females. Most therapists work on a disease model and seem to think the goal of treatment should be more effective masking.
How have you self-advocated for your needs?
I’ve tried to self-advocate a few times but it’s tough because my needs are not as obvious as those with visible disabilities. So now I just do what I need to do. It is easier to apologize than to ask permission.
How does your autistic identity impact your friendships?
I don’t have friends. I never have. Every now and then there’s a person I associate with for a time, but they’re not really friends because I can’t be myself with them.
How does your autistic identity impact your romantic relationships?
I’ve come to see that romantic relationships are generally more trouble than the are worth. When I am in a relationship, I lose myself.
What is your experience with medical systems? Are there ways you feel they can be improved for autistic individuals?
I wish medical professionals would listen and not interrupt. Autistic people are experts on our own lives and I wish professionals would respect this. Instead of reading outdated and ableist books written by neurotypicals, they should listen to our lived experiences without judgment or presumption that they know us better than we know ourselves.
Your Past
How did being an undiagnosed autistic child impact your childhood?
My childhood was pretty rough. People are mean when you don’t fit in.
Back then, we were in the Space Race, and extraterrestrial humanoids were popular characters on TV and in novels, comics, movies, etc. I identified with these ET characters and theorized that I was from another planet.
I even made a song about our imagined origin, similar to Superman’s backstory. I sang it in my head all the time and it helped me cope.
In what ways did you camouflage or mask?
I kept quiet and did my best to avoid being noticed. I still think of masking as ‘passing for human.”
How has your identification as autistic changed how you view your childhood or earlier periods of adulthood?
Now that I know that I am autistic, I understand why I did the things I did. I can forgive myself and others.
Talking to Others About Autism
How do you describe autism to people who are not familiar with it?
I describe autism as feeling like I come from another planet.
What do you wish others knew about autism?
We have emotions. We have empathy.
We are people, nnot puzzles. We are not broken and don’t need to be cured. We are not Rain Man. We have specialized skills and insights that would be helpful to humanity if given a chance. We don’t like being treated like a piece of furniture. We’re aware of a lot more than people think we are. And we see neurotypical people even though they don’t see us.
To all neurotypicals, especially males,
please don’t tell us what our needs or feelings or motives are.
The hard thing about being female is being born into a subservient role, honoring everyone else’s wants and needs before one’s own, and having an endocrine system that encourages that role. This can be an opportunity to learn, practice and teach compassion, which is the greatest of all virtues. That’s why Green Tara always incarnates as female. No one ever said it’s easy, though.
What is your advice for someone who thinks they might be autistic?
It gets better. Don’t compare yourself to others. Find your strengths and play to these.
Are there any fictional autistic characters that miss the mark on depicting autism?
Rain Man
One of my brothers always says I’m like Rain Man. I’m not like Rain Man at all. Rain Man was based on Kim Peek, a real-life person who was not autistic. Although he was misdiagnosed as autistic earlier in life, it later turned out that he had a split-brain condition from birth.
Forrest Gump
Another character who gets it all wrong is Forrest Gump. He’s portrayed as a savant, but savants are proficient in one area from early childhood, while Forrest Gump is an instant expert at anything he tries. In addition, that film has some racist undertones. Forrest Gump is named after a founder of the KKK and is shown to excel in various areas that Black people are traditionally associated with. This is the racist “Mighty Whitey” trope
But I digress. We were talking about portrayals of autistic people in media.
Wednesday Addams
I’ve heard some people say that Wednesday Addams is coded autistic. I’ve seen a few clips from that series and I don’t think that character is autistic. She is sadistic and lacks empathy, unlike any autist I know. I think it’s more likely that the character is coded with antisocial personality disorder.
Saying Wednesday Addams is coded autistic reinforces the stereotype that we are sociopaths who lack empathy and enjoy others’ pains. This puts us real-life autistic folks in a bad light.
Are you involved in any forms of autistic activism?
Most of my activity is on social media, where I answer questions, correct misconceptions, and share my experiences.
At present I am working on a series of message buttons to support Autism Appreciation.
Awareness is good, acceptance is better, appreciation is awesome!
If anyone would like any of these buttons please contact me thru the links below. More designs pending.
Connecting with You
If someone would like to connect with you, how can they reach you?
Email: jonipinkney@gmail.com
Facebook: facebook.com/joni.pinkney.1
Do you have any works, websites, or other creative ventures you would like to share with others?
Medium: justin-olhipi.medium.com/
Soundcloud: soundcloud.com/joni-peralta
Youtube: youtube.com/jonipstatsandallmath
Quora: quora.com/profile/Justin-Olhipi
Mani Prayer for Universal Compassion and Enlightenment: https://on.soundcloud.com/Rj2jC
Thanks again for this opportunity to be seen and heard
— Justin Olhipi (Just an Old Hippy)
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