Binding my chest, freeing my soul
This handsome fellow is what Face App says I’d look like
If I were a guy.
Don’t ask what I look like as a female. I don’t like it. Never did.
My 65th birthday was coming up soon
So I decided to gift myself a binder.
A week or so later, a discreet grey envelope came in the mail…
Put it on — grunting as I pulled it into place
Something shifted inside
My perpetual slouch vanished
My ribs and spine and pelvis shifted and straightened
Looked at myself in the mirror
Smiled at myself for the first time since Forever!
A child’s voice in my mind’s ear:
Thank you for protecting my chest!
Now Daddy won’t want to hurt me any more!
How old are you, Honey? I ask
I’m 5 …
5?
I remember the growing pains in my chest when I was around 12 or so
Hard little rocks in there,
A dull hot ache in there
And my father, shoving me around like he always did
Elbow poked into those hard little rocks and it hurt and I cried
My mama asked me why I cried
I said nothing
I was so embarrassed
I was 12 and didn’t have the words for what was going on
5?
In my mind’s eye I saw little me in that white cotton nightgown I had
Daddy shoving me around
I’m his property to do with as he pleased
That was the law back then
5!
It’s ok Honey I said.
No one will hurt us now.
My chest flattened, smooth and proud and strong
A little ache like the long ago growing pains,
And it hurt good this time!
My back straight, those heavy floppy things put away safe
My head high, free of the fear and pain and shame I carried for so long
Went out like that
Someone called me sir and made my day!
Then apologized when they heard me speak
It’s ok, I say, I’m dressed up for the day
Held my head high and smiled
Shining like the sun
